BEST OF THE BWE: It Begins And Ends With Kanye [05 Sep 2008|09:30pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/best-of-the-bwe-it-begins-and-ends-with-kanye/ Well we started the week by totally tricking you guys into thinking Kanye West would spend his Labor Day guest-blogging for us, and we're going to conclude the week with my live reports all this weekend from the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards, at which Kanye will be performing. It's the circle of blog-life, and here's everything that happened in between: Disaster Movie achieved the impossible, shattered expectations, and became the very first of the terrible-spoof-parody movie genre to earn itself a perfect 00% on Rotten Tomatoes. We were all subjected to the dreaded Horse Penis Virus, and suffered together. Michelle presented 7 easy ways for you to tell whether or not your elephant might be a drug addict. We explored Mario Lopez's many, many magazine covers. With one single photograph, Howie Mandel rendered decades of the Hollywood Walk of Fame completely meaningless. Michelle came up with some casting suggestions for the rumored Ghostbusters III movie. Dan explored ways in which Team McCain could have used that weird green screen to make John look less pale during his speech. Inspired by the bombshells dropped by Blair Waldorf's new boyfriend on the season premiere of Gossip Girl, Sara and I finally make some stark revelations about ourselves. I suffered through all two ours of the premiere of the new 90210 and liveblogged to tell about it. !!!

EBOLA FRIDAY: Baby-t Box [05 Sep 2008|09:08pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/ebola-friday-baby-t-box/ It's Ebola Friday. You know the drill. Good luck sleeping this weekend! !!!

If Usher Was Vishnu, This Is What He’d Do All Day Long [05 Sep 2008|08:23pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/if-usher-was-vishnu-this-is-what-hed-do-all-day-long/ He'd just rub himself. With all of his arms. In fact, if he had 2 or even 4 more arms, he could use each one to point at every single one of his abs. Edited to add: Long pants crotch. !!!

Where Are Your PETA Gods Now? [05 Sep 2008|08:06pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/where-are-your-peta-gods-now/ Copyranter (via Defamer) brings us the following ad promoting the movie Knocked Up in New Zealand, which uses tadpoles and a fish-food soaked sponge to recreate the sperm heading towards the egg, Look Who's Talking style: Now, most of you will have to admit that this is a pretty brilliant campaign. But my question is: WHERE IS PETA? These pool little tadpoles are being held PRISONER in a corporate ad used to promte a SETH ROGEN movie about PREGNANCY. Oh, hey little tadpole, you wanna go grow legs and hop out onto the river bank and be a little frog and take a little ol' frog nap? Of course! Just do us one quick favor: MMM... Look like a sperm for as long as possible on a bus stop wall, and then we can maybe negotiate things a few months down the line. So where are your PETA asses now? I don't hear you! Why so quiet? Is it because you can't pet a tadpole? You can't put pictures of tadpoles on tote bags to show all your friends how big your heart is? IS IT BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE EARS? (AND POSSIBLY NOSES OR EVEN FACES?) I assure you, if it was Kermit the Actual Frog's giant green ass suffocating behind that glass, you'd be freeing it as we speak. Which leads me to only one conclution: Dear PETA, You sicken me. Sincerely, Michelle "Tadpole Fan" Collins See Also: An Open Letter to PETA & Shut-Up PETA !!!

Remember When Arli$$ Changed Television? [05 Sep 2008|08:00pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/remember-when-arli-changed-television/ EW.com is currently running a feature entitled "The 39 HBO Series That Changed TV". Even bearing in mind that these lists are usually just conversation pieces designed to coincide with something topical (in this case, the premiere of True Blood), this one seems pretty exceptionally bombastic. First off, how many times has television been "changed?" Thirty-nine times in the last two decades? Two times per year, we thought television was one thing and then it became another thing as a result of something that aired on HBO? Second, and much more importantly, this strikes the entire list from the record: Sorry, Sopranos. !!!

AD WIZARDS: You’re Definitely Going To Need Mr. T’s Flavorwave Turbo [05 Sep 2008|07:30pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/ad-wizards-youre-definitely-going-to-need-mr-ts-flavorwave-turbo/ Guys, I'm gonna need you to take a quick gander at this infomercial for Mr. T's revolutionary new home appliance, the Flavorwave Turbo. First of all, that is hands down the greatest name of a product probably ever. Secondly, the contraption looks sort of like a Foreman Grill in some kind of futuristic crock pot with a bicycle helmet on top of it that the Ghostbusters would use to dispose of ectoplasm. I pity the fool who doesn't want to do all their cooking in this revolutionary device. Also, it uses three kinds of cutting edge, highly scientific heat sources - one of which is generated directly from Mr. T's muscles - to cook your meat with 75% less fat. This is truly the A-Team of kitchen appliances. !!!

Don’t Forget To Check BWE.tv This Weekend For All My VMA Coverage! [05 Sep 2008|07:15pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/dont-forget-to-check-bwetv-this-weekend-for-all-my-vma-coverage/ Britney's opening the show, Kanye's closing it, those adorable Jonas Brothers are going to be there and so am I! So don't just watch the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards this Sunday night - instead share the experience, here, with me (and with our friends over at Buzzworthy)! I'll be hitting some of the big parties and trying to chat up all the celebs. Mostly I'll just be trying check out Russell Brand to see if he's worthy of being my new mancrush, and also looking to meet Michael Phelps in person so I can finally confirm my suspicions once and for all (and hope he doesn't get too handsy with me in the process). I'm also hoping to liveblog the big event from the event, bringing you the blow by blow on whatever Britney ultimately has in store for us. It should be fun, but it will definitely be something, so I hope that you'll join me. !!!

Who Will Be Cast In The New Ghostbusters Movie? [05 Sep 2008|06:43pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/who-will-be-cast-in-the-new-ghostbusters-movie/ Well, it's official: Production has begun on a Ghostbusters Threequel, precise title as yet unknown. Columbia pictures has put Office Co-Executive Producers Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky to the task of writing the latest installment, almost 25 years after the original hit the theaters. Which leads one to wonder: Who, prey tell, will be chosen to play our beloved Ghostbusters and company? So without further ado, in the order they are listed on IMDB, here are BWE's Ghostbuster 3 Casting Predicitions: Dr. Peter Venkman (formerly Bill Murray) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Bill Murray No one can top him. Just no one. In fact, the only person we can picture out Bill Murraying Bill Murray is... BWE DREAM PICK: Dave Coulier Dave Coulier. It only seems fitting that the voice behind Peter Venkman in "Extreme Ghostbusters", "The Real Ghost Busters", and "Slimer! And the Real Ghostbusters" finally be given his shot at stardom on the big screen. And if you've seen even a single episode of America's Funniest People, you know I'm right. Put a proton pack on this guy's back and be amazed at his ~methods~. (Private Ed. Note to Casting Directors: Give Dave a chance, eh? He's a pretty good guy who just has a case of the "bad lucks".) WHO WILL PLAY IT: Seth Rogen Why? Because he's Seth Rogen, America's premiere comedy star. And the movie will most likely be directed by one of his friends. That's why. Dr. Raymond Stantz (formerly Dan Aykroyd) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Hugh Jackman (Tappedy Tap Tap Tap) What's that you hear? Why, it's Hugh Jackman jazzin' it up on the stage of Ghostbusters 3: The Ghostical with The Mostical! People rarely give pretty boy Hugh Jackman due credit. Sure, he's a handsome tall man with rock hard abs and an Aussie accent. But under all that muscle and tan and perfect amount of chest hair is a true actor, a comedian, who can basically tackle any part thrown his way. What other actor would be able to convey equal parts scientist and skeptic if not for Hugh? And for those who think Dan Aykroyd could still pull off the role, let me offer you this picture. No thank you. BWE DREAM PICK: Javier Bardem Why not? He makes every movie he's in even better by just being Javier. Plus, we needed a good reason to post the above photo of him, the entirety of which can be seen here. He'd be the kind of guy on set to put his Oscar in the ghost trap and just laugh and laugh. They would have a time! And admit it: Ghostbusters 3 starring Javier Bardem would make your life. WHO WILL PLAY IT: Seth Rogen We're just going to assume that Seth Rogen will play anywhere from 2 to 4 parts in the upcoming Ghostbusters remake. And if Vigo the Carpathian is in it, make that 5 parts. Ahead, our casting predictions continue for the remainder of the large cast. Let us know if you agree with any of our choices in the comments. Dana Barrett (formerly Sigourney Weaver) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Tea Leoni Poor Tea. Here's a beautiful, talented, funny actress, who has been drawing the short straw both personally and professionally for years. Not only was her hubby David Duchovny just admitted into rehab for being a sex addict, but it looks like the only movie she has in the works is an independent film entitled Manure. Throw Tea a bone for God's sake! She's worth it. BWE DREAM PICK: Dame Helen Mirren Do we need to explain? Let's class this Ghostbusters 3 joint up a bit, yes? WHO WILL PLAY IT: Jessica Alba Clearly, casting directors will go with the choice of Jessica Alba, recent mother and star... of such filmm -- films (yaaaawnnnn) as The Fantassstic Four and also another movie (head down) that was called Snooze. (snooze) Dr. Egon Spengler (formerly Harold Ramis) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Tim Robbins What what!! Timmay Robbinnnnns! In all seriousness, Tim Robbins would knock this role out of the park. He's got that whole attractive/weirdo quality that makes him not only a fantastic actor, but also highly political. Slap a pair of Lennon frames on that face, grow the mop out, and it's "Dr. Spengler, I Presume?" all the way. BWE DREAM PICK: Bob Balaban Because of the glasses. WHO WILL PLAY IT: Paul Rudd Seeing as Paul Rudd is the most perfect person alive, I have absolutely no problem awarding him this role and/or publishing the aforementioned photo of him writhing around in some sheets. He's a little small for the part (I picture Spengler as being like a Jewish Manute Bol) but, as long as Rene Russo isn't cast opposite, we doubt this will be a problem. And if Rene Russo IS cast, our vote for Dr. Spengler goes to Tom Berenger. With the chemistry with those two? I swear. Louis Tully (formerly Rick Moranis) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Masi Oki America's favorite nerd. He deserves it. Also, the movie would benefit from a little ~Asian Flava~. BWE DREAM PICK: Jeremy Irons Because of the glasses. WHO WILL PLAY IT: Jonah Hill Because of the fatness. Janine Melnitz (formerly Annie Potts) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Velma from Scooby Doo It seems only fair that Annie Potts' identical twin Velma from Scooby Doo get the role she was almost born to play. Why stop at CGI Slimer? BWE DREAM PICK: Sarah Palin Sarah Palin may "say" she's a politician at heart, but let's face it: Here's a girl who just wants to be in the spotlight, any way she can. So why get all "political" what with your beehive and guns and glasses and teen babies, when instead, you could just become a movie star. Look what the role did for Annie Potts!! I don't see Dick Cheney starring in Julie Reno: Bounty Hunter, do you? WHO WILL PLAY IT: Kate Winslet Put a red wig on this one and it's Awards show gold. And clearly, she'll be happy to take the part. For every Little Children and Finding Neverland, there's a Flushed Away and The Holiday. Just sayin. Winston Zeddmore (formerly Ernie Hudson) WHO SHOULD PLAY IT: Romany Malco He's adorable, funny and, most importantly, black. It's a homerun. BWE DREAM PICK: Morgan Freeman You might not think Freeman would stoop down to the khaki-suited level of Ghostbusters. And for that, we have only Evan Almighty Bruce Almighty words to say to you: He'd totally do it. WHO WILL PLAY IT: Jaden Smith Watch out Morgy Freeman: Jaden Smith is hot on your tail. He's already broken away from the stranglehold of father Will, and we're sure his agents are on the blood prowl for that breakout part. So what if he's only 4 years old? Have you ever heard of a term called "child ghost genius"? Exactly. 2 !!!

10 Speech Backgrounds Designed To Make John McCain Look Less Pale [05 Sep 2008|05:35pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/10-speech-backgrounds-designed-to-make-john-mccain-look-less-pale/ After watching John McCain's Convention Speech last night in front of an alternating bright green background, a bright blue background, and an apparent Flonase commercial, it's clear that the Republican presidential nominee is in dire need of some less vibrant, less pastel-ey backgrounds to draw attention away from his overwhelmingly pale television facade. Here are ten suggestions: 1. Core Of The Sun 2. The Dude From "Powder" 3. Abominable Snowman 4. The White Album 5. Freshman Dorm Room 6. Friends </center> 7. Bread & Water 8. Joe Biden 9. Penn State Home Game 10. Republican National Convention !!!

Javier Bardem Is So Sexy It Makes Him Cry [05 Sep 2008|05:15pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/javier-bardem-is-so-sexy-it-makes-him-cry/ Thank you New York Times Style Magazine called "T". Thank you. Sometimes I look at Javier Bardem and I just wonder...what is he thinking? What sort of wonderful sexy intelligent artistic thoughts are rolling around in that beautiful head of his? Might I venture a guess? I'm so vulnerable right now...hold me...[sniff]... and by me, I mean, my special "friendo" in my pants. Oh, I didn't see you there. Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm painting a portrait of you. Want to see it? Come over here and take a look - it's inside my pants. (via ONTD) !!!

CAPTION THIS: Phelps Feel-Up Photo Provides More Evidence of Potential Doucheyness [05 Sep 2008|04:20pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/caption-this-phelps-feel-up-photo-provides-more-evidence-of-potential-doucheyness/ Here's super-champion Michael Phelps (via our friends at Radar) using his fins to feel all over the ass of some Vegas chick with a tramp stamp. Entourage cameos, endorsing anything for anyone who asks, and now this - he's inching closer and closer to fulfilling the prophecy. !!!

An Open Letter To The Jonas Brothers [05 Sep 2008|04:00pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/an-open-letter-to-the-jonas-brothers/ Dear Jonas Brothers, I don't hate you. I get it. If I was 13, I'd be obsessed with you. You're cute, you're young, you're up Disney's butt, you fly over the audience at the Teen Choice Awards. You cause young girls to completely lost their sh*t on the set of TRL. I have set aside the fact that (as I've previously mentioned) your music sounds like a watered down version of Maroon 5, which is basically like watering down water. I try not to think about how you are inevitably destined to appear on whatever version of The Surreal Life they are broadcasting in 2028. I never blamed you for the downfall of society. And hey, about this TV show you're developing for the Disney Channel - great, go for it. I don't care. It was going to be about a boy band (i.e., you) living a double life as spies. Sounds harmless enough...it's basically the male version of Hannah Montana. Fine. BUT. Now, you've decided to "change directions" with the series. You told Ryan Seacrest that the show is now going to be like HBO's Flight of the Conchords. WHOAWHOAWHOA....hoooooooold up here for a second. You're doing WHAT? You've gone from kids pretending to be spies, to kids pretending to be talented? Please. Please don't be so arrogant to compare yourselves to one of the funniest comedy duos that currently exists. Don't set us up for that kind of disappointment. And don't even think about trying to move in on Jemaine and Brett's mojo. Jemaine's sexy will CRUSH your tiny little hot into oblivion. And let's not even get started on the music part of it. "Inner City Pressure" may be a comedy song, but it's a million times better (musically speaking) than any of the goo you've put out. I realize you're just children, and somebody should have stopped you from becoming child stars. I understand you have Miley Cyrus sending you wet t-shirt pics of herself. I just want you to recognize that you can't create a genius, innovative show like Flight Of The Conchords out of thin air, just because you've got disgusting amounts of money blowing through your tousled hair. I think it's great if you idolize FOTC or anyone else, but you don't just point at something you want and it magically becomes reality. Oh wait...for you, that's probably true. But still, that doesn't mean it's going to be GOOD. I will say, however, that doing something along the lines of FOTC would be a great test of your theatrical abilities. You'll have to pretend (they call it acting!) that you have 1 crazy fan that stalks you, that you live in a tiny one room apartment with Eugene Mirman as your landlord. That, for you guys, would be quite a stretch - so go for it! These days, that acting feat would be enough to land you a spot on Inside The Actor's Studio. Until then, I remain Mel-like obsessed with Brett and Jemaine, and there's pretty much a negative 4,000% chance that I will ever watch your TV show (I don't have Disney Channel). Sincerely, Sara "I'm 30" Schaefer !!!

ILTW: What Happens In I Like To Watch Stays In I Like To Watch [05 Sep 2008|03:30pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/iltw-what-happens-in-i-like-to-watch-stays-in-i-like-to-watch/ It's Friday, so you know what that means - our trusty DVD connoiseuir Michael Cyril Creighton is back to file another report from the front lines of his adventures in home theater-going with I Like To Watch! This week he's exploring themes of matrimony and make-believe (they often go hand in hand!) by taking a look at What Happens In Vegas, Married Life and Son of Rambow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Cyril "Sexman" Creighton's "Rambow" Review! !!!

HOW CAN YOU SLAP? [05 Sep 2008|03:09pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/how-can-you-slap/ Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce you to the website of our decade, Howcanyouslap.com, a website dedicated to the following video clip taken from Indian Reality TV. Just when you think the slap on Real World: Seattle between Lyme-diseased Irene and big gay Stephen would be the be all and end all regarding televised bitch-assedness, out of nowhere, the entire nation of India swoops in and steals our hilarious thunder. In the following clip, grabbed over at Howcanyouslap.com, a male Indian reality show contestant is slapped in the face by a woman. He then... slaps her in the face. Hard. The events that follow this incident can best be described as "How Can You Slap?" Though I'm on the verge of creating another website called "GrownIndianManCriesOnTheAir.biz". If only this man had heard the words of the immortal and non-wife-batter-y Chris Rock: "I would never hit a woman. But I'd shake the sh*t out of one." !!!

UPDATE: Disaster Movie Is The Worst [Collection Of Things Posing As A] Movie Of All Time [05 Sep 2008|02:45pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/update-disaster-movie-is-the-worst-collection-of-things-posing-as-a-movie-of-all-time/ Since Dan promised yesterday that he wouldn't waste any more time ripping on Disaster Movie, I've taken it upon myself, Han Dopper, Dan's close and weirdly named friend who just gained access to the blog a minute ago, to bring you the following news: Disaster Movie is currently the worst movie of all time according to IMDB users. I know what you're saying -- "Worse than The Maize: The Movie??" You bet your Amy Winehouse lookalikes it is: Does this give me and Dan any satisfaction? Not really. Like most people, he'd rather see Anus Magillicutty up there. !!!

Randy Jackson Regurgitates A Rachael Ray Lunch For His Baby Bird [05 Sep 2008|02:30pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/randy-jackson-regurgitates-a-rachael-ray-lunch-for-his-baby-bird/ Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest share a special moment outside the American Idol auditions in New York City. Rachael Ray dropped by to bring everybody some lunch, as part of a taping for the new season of her daytime show, which premieres on September 8. (TIIIIIIIVO!) !!!

While You Were Watching the One/Two HBO Punch of Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead and Mrs. Doubt [05 Sep 2008|01:25pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/while-you-were-watching-the-onetwo-hbo-punch-of-dont-tell-mom-the-babysitters-dead-and-mrs-doubtfire-at-7-am/ Britney Spears' mother claims in a new book that Britney started drinking at 13, lost her V card at 14, and at 15, used drugs. She forgot to mention that at 26, Britney cut off all familial ties. EAST COAST WEST COAST: 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin has messed with the wrong TV executive when he decided to slam fellow Must See TV co-show My Name Is Earl. Creator Greg Garcia flared his cat claws over at Defamer, calling Baldwin a "psychotic narcissist." Is it possible to sleep with three eyes open? We've been a little lazy with purchasing the Season 4 DVD of The Office. Luckily, the Outtakes are online already. Would you be surprised to hear that Stanley gets the biggest laugh? ITEM THAT WILL ONLY BE INTERESTING TO MY MOTHER: Cliff Richard is probably gay, and lives with an ex-priest. Sorry Mom! BWE's Melissa Rauch might be hanging out of your Long Island window right now... if this music video "Partially Stalked Love" is any indication... !!!

BWE Alarm Clock for Friday, September 5 [05 Sep 2008|01:00pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/bwe-alarm-clock-for-friday-september-5/ This had me laughing at 5 PM yesterday... so what better time to bring it to you than at 9 AM? If you like old timey animals, then go on and watch it. !!!

Best Night Ever: Thursday, September 4th! [05 Sep 2008|08:18am] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/05/best-night-ever-thursday-september-4th/ While you were doing chocolate cake shots with John McCain at the RNC afterparty, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Bottoms up with Abby Holland as she gives you the best Thursday TV moments from Kitchen Nightmares, Big Brother, and the Republican National Convention! John McCain: a president that drinks chocolate cake in a glass. Nuff said. !!!

…OF THE DAY [04 Sep 2008|10:00pm] bestweekever http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/09/04/of-the-day-485/ GOP COUTURE: Cindy McCain's outfit the other night at the Republican National Convention - the one that looked like a rain coat from Blade Runner - apparently cost $300,000, or the combined yearly salary of 30 worthless welfare-mongering poor people. (Vanity Fair) MUST SEE TV BEEF: The My Name Is Earl creator can likely expect a strongly-worded answering machine message from Alec Baldwin when he gets home tonight. (Defamer) MR. PRESIDENT: I've finally found a US Presidential Candidate that will actually look out for the things I care about: a more relaxed stance on drinking at work, and lower prices on BBQ sauce. (i News 3) MINDFREAK: Wired magazine keeping an ongoing Charlie Kaufman-esque meta-blog about the experience of doing a story on Charlie Kaufman. Now I suppose I should concoct some sort of narrative about what's going on inside my mind as I link to that blog on this blog and blllaaaaagh, the Internet just exploded. (Wired) KIMMEL-F*CKING: Put Russell Brand and Christina Hendricks (aka that hot redhead from Mad Men) together on a couch, and you've got yourself an orgasm of late show sexual tension. (Videogum) !!!

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